I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
