I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
