I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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