My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
