I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
