White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
