Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
