sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
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