I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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