Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
