Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
