I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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