I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
