The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
