that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
MIDGETS
????
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
