just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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