ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
