i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
