Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
