I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
