Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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