the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I cannot find my penis.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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