Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
