I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
This baby is an asshole
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
