we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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