then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
