ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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