i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
