What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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