Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
