I'm so fucking centered right now
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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