Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
She even gives head with a lisp.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
