life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
