alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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