can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
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