You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
