I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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