Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
