Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
There's a naked man in my car right now.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
