Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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