First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
