Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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