Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
