just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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