you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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