I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
