Kareoke will never be a sober sport
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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