I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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