Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
