Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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