Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I could make wine with my vomit
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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