At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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