took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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