We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
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