Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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