You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
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Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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