A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
