So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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