I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
